Posted by: GPK | 30.October.2009

Is honesty always the best policy?


Your Friday GPK Relationship Challenge

So you’re at your local, independent coffee shop (ie: Professor Javas onWolf, the Muddy Cup in Troy, the Daily Grind in Albany) getting your dosage and you run into a former “significant other.”  Boyfriend, girlfriend, fling, lover, etc.  You catch up a bit, laugh a bit, hug good bye and wish each other well.  No plans to meet again.  You each know how to reach each other but you’ve no intention to do it.  While you’re pleased to have seen the person, in the scheme of things, it’s insignificant to you that you have.  By the end of the day, it’s pretty much forgotten…mostly.

The Challenge…do you mention the encounter to your current significant other?  Was this a harmless encounter?  Does it depend on factors surrounding the relationship? The break up?  Other factors?  Why?

Hmmmmmmm.

You all responded so amazingly to last week’s relationship question that I’ve decided to make the Friday GPK Challenge the Friday GPK Relationship Challenge so you can look forward to an interesting conversation about relationship “stuff” every Friday.  I sincerely hope that you’ll jump in and be willing to get your hands dirty!  And please share the blog with friends by forwarding the link.  It’s not just for survivors anymore!  Enjoy!

I am very much looking forward to seeing your responses to this one!

Engage!  Think!  Share!

Peace and Gratitude,

Have  a great Halloween weekend and remember to set your clocks back on Sunday (Midnite) and change the batteries in your smoke/CO detectors!

GPK

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Responses

  1. I don’t think that is an issue of honesty. Thats making a big deal out of nothing, if it really is nothing. However, if the sig other asks “so have you seen you ex lately” and you say “no, haven’t seen her in a long time.” Thats dishonesty. Dishonesty is telling a person your dating you can’t hang out b/c you are sick due to being afraid the person won’t continue to see you if you tell the person you are spending time with someone else. And yes, dishonesty is telling your sig other that they look great when you are actually thinking “I really despise that outfit it makes her look like a frump!” Dishonesty is saying “no, baby I’m fine, just in thought.” When your upset about something. And yes, I think you should always be honest with your significant other, even if the honesty hurts momentarily. Otherwise communication is nicked and with each communication nick, the foundation becomes weaker and weaker. If you can rationalize something b/c “its just a little white lie, no harm no foul.” then you have set yourself up a bigger justification later. And how do you get around that “how do I look question”, you say “you know what I absolutely love that you wear? blah blah blah, you look amazing in that! I really like that outfit alot more than this.”

  2. I absolutely would tell my husband if I ran into a past S.O. Honesty and communication are very important values in my relationships. I think it is detrimental to hold things like that inside, because if the other person is intuitive, they know “something” anyway and it’s destructive to a relationship. If fear of your present S.O.’s reaction prevents you from sharing, then perhaps there are some issues to be ironed out if the relationship is to move forward.

  3. I have been on both sides of that situation. I have recently debated how much information is too much to give… and receive. While I find that I am sometimes nervous to give full disclosure for fear it will cause an “insignificant chance meeting that I believe I handled with the utmost respect for my current S.O.” to escalate into “Did you tell him you were in a relationship?” (and all the questions that come after that), I prefer to be in the know, (even if it sometimes hurts), over speculation.
    How can you feel secure in your loving relationship if you have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy? Trust is the foundation to any relationship, right? I would like to trust my partner to handle my heart with greatest care, as I would do for him. Honesty is required to feel that trust and open communication is the foundation to that policy. In line with what Jan said, many of us do not even realize how powerful our intuition is… If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. If you are keeping things from each other, your relationship is not built on any solid foundation of honesty and therefore trust. It can leave you feeling shut out, disconnected, and weaker… and you may not even “know” why but something just “feels” off. It cannot possible be healthy.
    So… can you build back a trust when a “chance meeting” really turned out to be something more?… like a planned meeting that ended up in a hot tub romp? Sigh. Finding out about this, was a case where full disclosure hurt… (and it hurt BAD). I commend my partner for telling me the truth; it wasn’t easy for him and he took a huge risk by telling me. He could have just let it go. I would never “KNOW”. Would I prefer not to know? No! I still prefer full disclosure over blissful ignorance with a dash of intuition telling me that something is not quite right. Instead of feeling like something was not right between us, I know what is wrong and we are working to repair it. When you are kept in the dark, how would you know what the real problem is? How would you be able to move on in a positive way from that? Honesty gets my vote.

    • Excellent ladies! What, no guys have an opinion?

      Here’s a guy’s perspective too…I heard a great quote a long time ago that has always stuck in my mind. “If you’re willing to lie FOR me, you’re willing to lie TO me.” It came up in the context of telling a receptionist to tell a caller that the boss was in a meeting and couldn’t come to the phone instead of just asking if he could return the call. Asking the receptionist to lie for him was setting himself up to be lied to someday. I believe in striving to be impecable with your word. Hell yes, it’s hard to do but the right thing often is. In relationships it’s no different. If you’re not willing to step up and be forthright about things, you’re setting yourself up for failure.
      Another point along those lines is that by being honest, you give your partner the best chance to be their best person. If you withhold, then the intuitive partner will think something’s wrong but have no idea what it is. They might think it’s them when clearly it’s you or something your not telling them about.
      The right thing to do is often the hard thing to do. Difficult and worth it!

  4. This isn’t a question of honesty or openness. Assuming the meeting was by chance, then why would you induce pain and suffering with your new partner by volunteering such a chance meeting? You saw each other, exchanged pleasantries, and said good-bye. No more contact and you went home to your new squeeze. People, males and females, have some natural jealousy about their partners’ past relationships. So there’s no reason to inflame that jealousy by talking about something over which you had no control. Now, if your partner asked if you had seen your ex, then there is no debate: lie like a rug. No, just kidding. You need to explain the situation but also reassure your mate that that was the past and he/she is your present and future. Then get out the toys because fun times are a-coming.

    • Yikes Tom! What you wrote is exactly the kind of thing that would make me absolutely pained… if I found out LATER. I would much prefer, jealousy and all, that he tell me right away. If you find out later, you are left questioning WHY he didn’t tell when it happened. “If its no big deal, why did he keep it from me?” It is not inducing pain or jealousy as much as building a foundation of trust. Keeping things from someone is NOT the way to do that. Just giving you the woman perspective. Oh.. and who needs toys? 🙂


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